Response #6 - William Doherty's book - "The Intentional Family" (Birthday's, Christmas)

During moments of frustration, the question has been asked, “Who came up with this idea of a birthday party?” Only to be rewarded by the look of pure joy of those being honored at the festivities. Then the conclusion is that that one magical moment was worth the trouble and headache to provide such an event!

While reading these chapters 6 & 8 of William Doherty’s book, The Intentional Family, I could not help but laugh at the different situations others found themselves in and at myself. On so many levels I found myself relating to the experiences of birthday rituals, parental holidays and Christmas holidays.

Coming from a farming family - work and the necessary chores of taking care of the land and animals were far more important than celebrating in grand style the passage of time for individual family members. A special dinner, gift and cake were all that was significant for the day. My husband’s family of 12 children, and a WWII era British-born mother, they too experienced the same recognition. But things have changed.

Truly, I have personally seen how we have become a nation that has evolved in celebrating yearly birthdays, and I have been guilty of perpetuating this mania. Thankfully, my time of birthday celebrations for young children has ended and the torch has been passed. However, after years of experience, I am willing to pass on my insights, if asked, to this perception of what should be sustainable in this world of merriment observance we have created!

Most families want to create an environment in which our children feel loved and cherished, and that is an admirable quality of parents, but at the expense of public celebration - who does it honestly benefit? There are moments of pleasure, and memories are surely to ensue. But it is the intentional and intimate rituals that have far more meaning and importance. Doherty’s personal example of his father-in-law’s 80th birthday party, surrounded by loved ones and sharing their communal love and admiration for this important man. The spirit of the celebration was memorable.

Doherty writes of a ritual that his family has instituted, an “appreciation ritual.” Personally I find this refreshing and have considered how I can implement this into my family. As Doherty continues, it is an emotional gift that lasts longer than a finely decorated present.

Around November of each year, I sometime listen to the “Dr. Laura” Schlessinger’s radio show. I am amazed at the amount of calls she receives regarding the dynamics and turmoil families encounter during the holidays. It is evident of the joy and pain this holiday can create. Yet, as Doherty explains, “Christmas amnesia” sets in, and families continue to carry on traditions, that so easily could be tweaked to create an unforgettable occasion.

In my family circumstance we have had to make changes to accommodate the ever changing landscape of our family dynamics. It was so much simpler to attend to our nuclear family’s needs of long ago.

Our Christmases together have only two elements that we have not changed – and that is going caroling, and our Christmas Eve Mexican dinner—that is our tradition. However, because of struggling finances of young families, we have set limits or opted out of gift exchanges. One daughter created a “gift store” in which the grandchildren purchase a toy for the cousin exchange, which will become a tradition. Another family tradition of catching Santa Clause early Christmas morning is not a yearly occurrence, but one treasured when done every few years.

When not spending Christmas together as an extended family, we each extend a welcome to those who are alone. Christmas time is about connecting and finding a linkage to our past, and that is hard to do if you are all by yourself.

Making memories are what celebrations and holidays are all about. Whether it is done by a traditional dish or chain of events, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that we are together, loved ones and those who need a loving hand of fellowship. Intentional in plan and purpose.

Happy Birthday Middle Child!

Today is my first middle child's birthday. I am not going to share how old she is, other than she was born in 1980. Really? That doesn't seem that long ago – only yesterday. I remember the day so well. Living in Mesa, AZ, over-due by a week when the nurse calls to say the doctor had a opening for me to come in and be induced. Later the nurse chastised me because it was Sunday. At that point I didn't care. And then – after being induced - 1^st middle child comes flying out. Mind you, the doctor never showed up, they actually had to pull in a doctor walking by to be in attendance! Of all my deliveries – she was my easiest. I will have to admit that I was in "shape" before she came, but then being my second smallest – I am sure that helped too.

This child was easy to love. Every morning she was so bright-eyed and eager to be awake. She always seemed to have a smile on her face. We called her our little squirrel because she was always burrowing into the covers with all her treasures. My neighbor made a quilt for her (which she has to this day), she affectionately called "blankie." Every corner was sniffed before going to sleep. Some corners were her favorites! It was hard to sneak the blanket away to wash, she would throw a fit that the "smells" had disappeared. I don't even want to know what she did to establish her "smelling" territory again!! She also had a pacifier, "binkie," that had a squeaky bulb on the end. She was quite attached to it, and her sisters liked to tease her by squeaking it often. I loved it because I always knew where she was. Her favorite book was about Care Bears. She had the book memorized

This child was one of my smallest – and still is. She was sick quite a bit with ear infections, which led to other health challenges as a child. Thank goodness she outgrew all those discomforts. She also had to wear corrective shoes – which did their job. However, if you were holding her and she decided to kick – watch out! Those shoes were hard and they hurt. She literally slept with her boots on!

One of the things that I loved about this child was that she LOVED baby dolls and Barbies. Her older sisters could care less, so it was nice to know that finally I had a daughter that loved the things I loved as a child. She also had "best friends," something that seemed to elude my other children. I wouldn't say any of my children were "Drama Queens," but I would venture to say this 1^st middle child did have her moments – maybe it was because she was the MIDDLE Child and needed more attention – who knows!

I have never thought any of my children were like me, so one day, to satisfy my curiousity, I asked my sister if any of my children had my temperament. She said my 1^st middle child seemed to be more like me. So I have watched her grow up, and I have seen many similarities, one being that I can explain something to her and she can envision what I am trying to say (and I admit there aren't too many that can do this!!!). And we tend to get a little spazzy once in a while! But she is also very much like her father, especially when you start from the feet up (very cute feet I might add!). Then you see she was blessed with my shapely knees and my once good-looking calve muscles J And of course she is like me when it comes to exclamation points!!!

I have truly been blessed with children that are special, and this 1^st middle child is no exception. She is resourceful; she is creative; I think she is a great wife and mother; she has a happy countenance; she wants to be of service to others; she has been blessed with many talents, such as creative writing and a desire to learn all the world has to offer. She also has several musical gifts. She has the ability to remember all the words to songs and she loves arpeggio's – meaning piano pieces that go fast! When she has an idea in her brain – she is ready to go – she is moving fast! Her thoughts and actions are geared to moving forward, ever learning, ever improving.

What wish would I give to her on this her birth-day? Be patient, be faithful, be prayerful, and be believing that someone mightier than you is mindful of your every need. You are a wonderful daughter, valiant and good. Your father and I are very pleased with who you are and who you are becoming.

Birthday Tulips!

Tomorrow is my birthday. I am still over the age of 50, darn, and the numbers keep increasing!

Anyway, after grocery shopping this afternoon, I walked into the kitchen to see some beautiful tulips! They are light orange with shades of yellow in them. I wish I had a better vase, but this will have to do. Aren't they lovely?

I had been thinking about the individuals that gave them to me all day, so when I opened up the card to discover who had sent them, I cried. I want you to know how much I love you.

I received some other gifts this week too, again, not expected, and so generous. I am loved by such wonderful family and friends, I truly am blessed.