Response #6 - William Doherty's book - "The Intentional Family" (Birthday's, Christmas)

During moments of frustration, the question has been asked, “Who came up with this idea of a birthday party?” Only to be rewarded by the look of pure joy of those being honored at the festivities. Then the conclusion is that that one magical moment was worth the trouble and headache to provide such an event!

While reading these chapters 6 & 8 of William Doherty’s book, The Intentional Family, I could not help but laugh at the different situations others found themselves in and at myself. On so many levels I found myself relating to the experiences of birthday rituals, parental holidays and Christmas holidays.

Coming from a farming family - work and the necessary chores of taking care of the land and animals were far more important than celebrating in grand style the passage of time for individual family members. A special dinner, gift and cake were all that was significant for the day. My husband’s family of 12 children, and a WWII era British-born mother, they too experienced the same recognition. But things have changed.

Truly, I have personally seen how we have become a nation that has evolved in celebrating yearly birthdays, and I have been guilty of perpetuating this mania. Thankfully, my time of birthday celebrations for young children has ended and the torch has been passed. However, after years of experience, I am willing to pass on my insights, if asked, to this perception of what should be sustainable in this world of merriment observance we have created!

Most families want to create an environment in which our children feel loved and cherished, and that is an admirable quality of parents, but at the expense of public celebration - who does it honestly benefit? There are moments of pleasure, and memories are surely to ensue. But it is the intentional and intimate rituals that have far more meaning and importance. Doherty’s personal example of his father-in-law’s 80th birthday party, surrounded by loved ones and sharing their communal love and admiration for this important man. The spirit of the celebration was memorable.

Doherty writes of a ritual that his family has instituted, an “appreciation ritual.” Personally I find this refreshing and have considered how I can implement this into my family. As Doherty continues, it is an emotional gift that lasts longer than a finely decorated present.

Around November of each year, I sometime listen to the “Dr. Laura” Schlessinger’s radio show. I am amazed at the amount of calls she receives regarding the dynamics and turmoil families encounter during the holidays. It is evident of the joy and pain this holiday can create. Yet, as Doherty explains, “Christmas amnesia” sets in, and families continue to carry on traditions, that so easily could be tweaked to create an unforgettable occasion.

In my family circumstance we have had to make changes to accommodate the ever changing landscape of our family dynamics. It was so much simpler to attend to our nuclear family’s needs of long ago.

Our Christmases together have only two elements that we have not changed – and that is going caroling, and our Christmas Eve Mexican dinner—that is our tradition. However, because of struggling finances of young families, we have set limits or opted out of gift exchanges. One daughter created a “gift store” in which the grandchildren purchase a toy for the cousin exchange, which will become a tradition. Another family tradition of catching Santa Clause early Christmas morning is not a yearly occurrence, but one treasured when done every few years.

When not spending Christmas together as an extended family, we each extend a welcome to those who are alone. Christmas time is about connecting and finding a linkage to our past, and that is hard to do if you are all by yourself.

Making memories are what celebrations and holidays are all about. Whether it is done by a traditional dish or chain of events, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that we are together, loved ones and those who need a loving hand of fellowship. Intentional in plan and purpose.

1st Grade and Beyond!

Tonight my grandson called me because he had to do a report on a relative about their experiences in 1^st grade. His mother told me that her children like to call me because I always give them good stuff! She was probably being kind with that statement.

The thing is, I remember a lot about my elementary school days, but 2^nd grade is a bit of a blur. I think it is because my mom made me go see Theda, to have my hair permed. My curls were so tight – and UGLY! I hated it and tried so hard to comb out my hair for school pictures. It is OK if your curls are natural – but to cause your hair to be unnatural is just wrong. As you can see, 1^st grade was just fine, don't have my 2nd grade photo scanned - then 3^rd grade came along, and it was a little more tamed down.

My daughter was surprised that the elementary school I attended had about 800 students! K-8, with 5 classes in each grade of 30+ kids – yep – it was that big. It was a great school, with lots of happy memories and of course a few not so pleasant! We had quite the diversity then; Mexican descent, Indian descent, African-American descent and Caucasian. I wouldn't be able to tell you what the percentages were because we were all friends! I am sure there was racism, but we never knew it. None of us knew our families were just getting by, because most all were in the same financial situation. There were a few girls that had store bought clothes, but the majority of us had mothers that made all our clothes. The girls wore dresses to school, the boys wore jeans and shirts. Nothing fancy. By the time you were in 5^th grade you had PE everyday and had to take showers! But then living in Yuma, AZ and playing outside, a shower was a good thing for stinky kids! I do remember the locker room smelling a little rank some days! We had choir programs and band, home economics, wood shop – but no organized sports. However, my grade had a great girls softball team, I played pitcher or shortstop. It was quite the competition with the older girls – we usually won!

We had an assembly every week, with Mrs. Price leading the singing. We learned so many great songs, of which I can't remember any now! Mrs. Price was a 3rd grade teacher. She was quite flamboyant. I had her for 3^rd grade, and for Easter we got to visit her home where she had peacocks roaming the yards. We would try to catch them, but only got a peacock feather for our efforts. I diverged…we also had the best Halloween carnivals in the whole city. The gymnasium was transformed as well as classrooms. The cafeteria served their famous homemade chili. All in all it was a great fund raiser for the school. Then in the spring we would have our annual BBQ event and talent show, where the students had to sell tickets. For several years I was the top girl ticket salesperson! Then for my 8^th grade year, Mrs. Price decided she wanted to teach 8^th grade. She got to produce a couple of shows, the Christmas program and a musical with the 8^th graders. Lucky me, I got leading parts in both shows! But she returned to 3^rd grade after that year – it wasn't the same.

Well, I could ramble on about my memories, but I will stop.

My GREEN Homeland of Arizona

Have I mentioned that my favorite color is green? Anyway, growing up in Arizona people wonder if anything is green there. They always associate Arizona as a brown desert. That is sad, because Arizona has lots of green things, even in the summer - which to me can be the greenest when all the trees have their leaves. Our yard growing up was always green because of all the fruit trees and the grass, which was usually a foot tall before I got to the last section to mow! It was a jungle.

Anyway, this past weekend Von and I traveled to Arizona for our granddaughter's, baptism. A quick, but special occasion for going. The thought of getting some wonderful sunshine and warmer temperatures was going to be a treat along with seeing our children!

It was a scenic drive as we drove through the Grand Canyons, the pines of Flagstaff and then the high desert of cactus, palo verde and mesquite trees. Unfortunately the wild flowers were not blooming.

Most of the trip I was reading and would look up occasionaly to see what we were passing by. It was during one of these moments as we were about to turn onto I-10 that I looked up to see multiple fields of green alfalfa.

I started to cry. To see that lush green field of sweet alfalfa made me so homesick and long for a big bear hug from my father. You see, my father was a farmer, but he also was a teacher. Whenever we were with daddy, he would stop and teach us about what was growing in the fields that we passed. It became a game to guess what the crop was. But of all the crops, alfalfa was my favorite, especially just after being cut. The smell would linger for many days, it was sweet and refreshing.

I didn't have my camera with me, but here is a picture of an alfalfa field, but not as green as the ones I saw.

Here is a picture of my father with four of his six brothers. My father is the one in the middle. This past week his youngest brother, Mel, and his oldest sister, Thelma, passed away. Mel was 88 and Thelma was 100 years old. I think my dad's family has had a beautiful reunion this week. Maybe when I saw that green alfalfa field, it reminded me of my family's farming legacy. They were all tillers of the land and took great pride in working the earth and helping create life with God's bounty. I am blessed.

MOTAB IN CONCERT

This evening Von and I attended the Mormon Tabernacle Christmas Concert, with guests Brian Stokes Mitchell and Edward Herrman. It was an incredible evening. Neither one of us had been to the Conference Center for an event. And of course I forgot my camera!

The MoTab was beautiful, the Orchestra on Temple Square were superb, and I think Max Wilberg is a genius, but besides that, the guest soloist had an incredible voice. I believe he is African-American, or at least part. His range of vocals was vast, but the best was when he used his deep gutteral sounds, which just bubbled out, rich and strong. He had arranged a number of the songs he, the choir and orchestra sang and played together.

And then Herrman did a narrative of the life of Longfellow, and the history behind the song "I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day." I have heard it before, but he did such a beautiful job, and then the vocals to accompany it.

The MoTab sang the Hallelujah Chorus, and everyone stood! I love that song. It brings back memories of when I was in high school, and the choir I was in sang it. Back in the 70s, our director had some "techno" music to accompany us, which was really cool back then. But what I remember most was the part the soprano's sang - the notes just kept getting higher and higher, and sustaining those high notes was a feat unto itself!

Music is powerful. Hearing and singing those ole' familiar carols once again does bring a sweet spirit of remembrance to this Christmas season. How I wish my voice had the ability to sing like it once did!

8X11=88 FAVORITE THINGS?

I thought I would be exempt from being tagged...hmmm..is that a good thing or a bad thing?

So you want to know a little about me Marlys - here goes:

1. 8 favorite TV shows: American Idol; HGTV Divine Design; FoodTV Barfeoot Contessa; Project Runway; Simply Quilts (no longer on-sad); House; TLC What Not to Wear; Law and Order.

2. 8 Things That Happened This Week: sat through 6 hours of church meetings; made peanut brittle; made rocky road; went to class; checked in with my daughters; annoyed my husband; watched the snow fall and melt; finished my VT for the month (aren't you jeolous!).

3. 8 Things I Love About Winter: Windy weather; NO snow; fire in the fireplace; eating freshly picked oranges; the beauty of a grove of trees that have no leaves; quietly sitting in the room with only the Christmas tree lights on; shelling nuts; rainstorms.

4. 8 Things on My Wish List: The tugboat to arrive; a "stellar" new purse; EXTRA TIME; going on a mission with Von; a credit card that is paid off each month; wrinkles and extra skin that would disappear; eyes that would accomadate contacts; dinner out once a week.

5. 8 Favorite Foods: Homemade ice cream; zucchini with butter & cream; fresh pico de gallo and chips; homemade wheat bread smothered in butter and honey; Von's tri-tip; sweet watermelon; Marie Calendar's Razzleberry Pie; and cinnamon bears! (No chocolate!!!)

6. 8 Favorite Memories (only eight?): Witnessing the marriage of my children in the temple; bear hugs from my father; the sweet smile of my mom; my grandchildren laughing; the thoughtful planning my husband takes in surprising me; playing in the soft sand of the ditch bank with my nephews; tickling and playing with my children in the grass on the lower lot; the never ending green beans from our garden!

7. 8 Favorite Places I Have Been: San Francisco; Utah in the summer; Arizona in the spring; California in the spring; Cruising down the Rhine river in Germany; Lucerne, Switzerland; Amsterdand, Holland; home.

8. 8 Favorite Movies: Bourne series; Sabrina; Lord of the Rings; Runaway Bride; Sweet Home Alabama; How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days; Little Lord Faunteroy; The Fugitive.

9. 8 Nicknames: Annie; Andie-Pandie; Desert Fox; Curtis; Hey there (sorry, that is it!).

10. 8 Things I am Looking Forward to: The semester to end; decorating for Christmas; reading a thick juicy book; getting some major sewing projects up, running and finished; Christmas baking; MoTab Christmas concert; a serious massage; 50 pounds lighter.

11. 8 Embarrasing Moments: Having the wrong word escape my mouth in one of my "thyroid moments"; always losing my hat during our marching band performances, along with the TP I used to stuff it with; 9 months pregnant and peeing in my pants because I was laughing so hard after taking the last hand in Tricks with a red 1 (20 people were playing in that game); I am sure there are more moments--but I don't remember any more--sorry!

Who do you tag?

PURPLE TOADS

I love springtime in Carlsbad because there are so many colors in the foliage from the Flower Fields to the Birds of Paradise and now the blossoming of the Jacaranda trees with their bright lavender flowers. Rancho Santa Fe is lined with Jacaranda trees as well as Melrose Ave. and the Von’s shopping center on Alga & El Camino Real. These trees make me happy as I drive by them each day.

Growing up in Yuma, AZ, we didn’t see much color (one of the reasons why I love Carlsbad!). There were two predominant colors - SAND, BROWN, GREY-BROWN, DUSTY-BROWN, MUDDY-BROWN, ALFALFA-GREEN, GREY-GREEN, CACTUS-GREEN, CITRUS-GREEN and TOAD-GREEN.

By our front porch we had a Jacaranda Tree, the only non-fruit bearing tree in our yard! I don’t think anyone else had one in Yuma. Every spring it would bloom, big, beautiful clusters of LAVENDER blossoms. We officially were a 4-colored yard! After the blossoms dropped the leaves were a treat as they were large fan-like wisps that kept the sun from beating down on the front porch.

We also had toads that hibernated in the ground near the front porch. They are supposed to ‘emerge’ when the monsoons come in August – but the monsoons rarely dropped a raindrop in Yuma. Instead we irrigated our yard, especially when springtime was upon us – so the tress would soak up heavily to bear the summer heat. Our toads used the irrigation as their alarm clock.

So, each springtime as the Jacaranda Tree was blooming, the evening exodus of toads onto our front porch began – along with their croaking songs! Now - these toads weren’t the small cute things – they were huge; the size of a salad plate in circumference and 4-6 inches tall!!! And we didn’t have a few, we had MANY. Our front porch was about 10’ x 6’ with a 5’ walkway to the driveway. When you would open the front door, the WHOLE front porch would be covered with toads. We would open and shut the screen door to see if they would move – which they didn’t. Then you would take one of the toad-sticks, which was kept in a bucket by the front door, to prod the toads to action. If you were lucky, they’d hop onto the toad next to them and hopefully cause a domino/chain reaction and MOVE! It took a few minutes to clear a path. Then we had to move quickly, as they liked to gravitate back to their favorite spot.

It was a disgusting chore to clear the porch. Toad cooties, toads flopping on your feet, toad remains – yes, you can imagine the excuses we would come up with to fore go the nightly ritual. And heaven forbid if we had company! Didn’t have cell phones to call someone in the house – instead our company would yell to get our attention so WE could clear a path to the front door. However, my nephews, when visiting in the evening had a grand time. They would grab the toads, scare one another with them, chase after them, put them on their heads, or see how many they could get inside the house and stuff in their mom’s purse without being caught. In fact those were the only evenings that the toads seemed to disappear without the toad-stick.

It was one of those rare dry-cool evenings that AZ is known for, that the wind picked up. The Jacaranda blossoms had begun to drop, and they left a mess on the porch. No one had swept the porch that day. The toads began to congregate. Around 9 PM, I arrived home from work to discover the front porch covered with a heavy layer of Jacaranda blossoms from the wind. I thought it looked so pretty in the light. I was mesmerized by such color and beauty and stillness, that I did not stop to consider the reason for such depth of dropped blossoms.

I joyously started walking to the front door only to realize that the blossoms were starting to lurch! Oh, no, purple toads! I stepped on one – gag! It was able to move away from my foot which caused me to stumble and play a quick two-step to avoid stepping on more toads!

“MOM!!! HELP ME! MOM!” I yelled. That seemed to wake up the sleeping toad princes! I was frozen, not wanting to step and crush anymore toads. They started hopping, those purple covered toads, plopping on my feet, brushing against my legs, ugh! Would no one come and save me?

Finally the door opened, and my mom and dad - well, they just stood there and laughed at the mounds of purple flopping toad-blossoms around my feet. Purple Toads – they have a way of diminishing all your dignity.

In honor of the Toads, I collect them – but they are ceramic, which line my front porch. Maybe someday I will get myself a Jacaranda Tree then I will have some more Purple Toads – that don’t flop and plop!